you dont seem to be quite like the rest. instead of sexy, you refer to me as beautiful. instead of texting me until you’re tired, you call me until the beginning of the morning. you want to see me in when the sun is up instead of in the dark. and this time, i am not objecting. i am comfortable. i am okay with this. i wonder if you will stick around long enough to become more than this game of cat and mouse. i think i want you to and i think it scares me.

well, a month down the drain and i don’t even care. it’s not worth it. the cold sweats, the anxious thoughts, the consuming sadness. it’s just not in the cards for me and i recognize that. nothing can be done at this point.

your dawn was graceful and full of wanderlust. in the 18 years that i have been on this earth, you have shown me love, respect, honesty, and beauty in places i’d never expected to find it. you filled my sky with stars and sometimes i swear i could see the milky way when you promised it was there. you’re setting like the sun, and your sunset is beautiful and filled with every accomplishment you’ve ever made your own. i am happy that you will find peace. i am relieved that you will no longer hurt. but i am afraid of the sky when you’re gone. i’m afraid the stars will disappear, and i won’t have anyone there to show me were they went. i’m afraid that our milky way will finally blend in. i’m afraid that i will be afraid, and you won’t be there. when i am unconsoleable, you comfort me. you make me want to be a better woman, you have given me hope, and you have given me, above all, unmistakable love. when you get there, to paradise, could you ask god to help me and all of us? because we are going to miss you. and i don’t know what is going to happen. but i know that i love you. and i won’t let you down. i promise, nun, that i will make you above all people proud of me. you are my new reason to succeed. you will soon find peace. i love you. i’ll miss you forever. see you on the other side.

i will remain. i will progress. i will be strong. i will be my own role model. i will cope on my own. i will no longer rely on chemical crutches. i will continue to dream. i will believe in myself. i will approach each situation as if i have no fear. i will recognize when i am lacking and i will improve my situation. i will laugh because it’s funny. i will smile because i am happy. i will love myself. i will love my friends. i will pray. i will try to believe. i will embrace what keeps me motivated to do well. i will heal. i will succeed. i will always try. i will stay golden.

i’ll run out eventually, and i already have multiple times. it’s easy to obtain. when it’s there, nothing else is. push back your seat. hide for awhile. make a mistake and disappear forever. it happens, i’ve seen it first hand. but it’s such a sickness. it comes with no cure. just a temporary stillness but it’s still the same struggle. swimming against the tide. the pain lessens. but it won’t cease to deliver madness. breaths will be shallow, heart beats softer. i hide it so well these days. 1.) goo goo dolls- slide. 2.) emery- the ponytail parade. 3.) anberlin- dismantle repair. 4.) switchfoot- dare you to move. 5.) ani difranco- you had time. 6.) the weepies- world spins madly on. 7.) blind melon- no rain. 8.) the cranberries- linger. and that’s all.

at my very old friend’s house. we have been friends since we were around 7. the last time i was here, which was only 3 nights ago, we took some awesome resin hits & we drank some awesome drinks. after that, we walked through the woods, and collected golf balls. then we walked to the water fall and threw them at the wall as hard as we could and the intent was to see how hard they would fly back at us and how hard. the outcome was that they did and it was very, very hard. it was horrible, horrible fun. i think the fun part was that it was intentional. either way, walking across the 8 inch width ways and 40 foot long cement i-beam with water and rocks 70 feet below. it was all risky and amazing. now, we’re listening to old michael jackson, evol intent, and watching the motion sensitive moon light spin round and round on the ceiling. it’s wonderful. i feel endless, i’ve been struck with a beautiful case of wander lust. creation and destruction are one in the same, it’s a fact.

just another cliche. even in 16 years, i know i’ll still be waiting to feel better. my head is in my hands. my ability to feel anything but regret and exhaustion is no longer an option. i’m tired tired tired. funny the way things turn out.

“you never leave a trace or show your face, you get gone. should have turned and left before the sun came up again, but the sun came up again.”

words to live by. except you drive me a little crazier. and i can’t be around you unless i know that by the end of the day, you will be at my mercy. basically, i know what i’m doing. i’m 19 and inexpierenced, but the things i do know are those of substance.

:)

who says i can’t get stoned?

alot of people. but i do it anyways. and i feel beautiful right now. i hope you do too.

while I’m busy looking up at the balloon, I’ve
realized that there’s an ice cream melting on
my hand. makes sense? don’t look for something
better when you already got the sweetest.

sometimes you’ll never know the true
value of a moment until it becomes a memory

Tell me I’m not making a mistake. Tell me you’re worth the wait

I’m second hand smoking two packs a day. And all my exercise comes from running away.
And we hit every fucking light from here to eternity. And we hit every fucking light from here to all our dreams

you made a rebel of a careless mans careful daughter,

Forever is a long time, and time has a way of changing things.” -The Fox and the Hound

Dont you understand, (Tink)? You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!” -Peter Pan

will it ever be enough for you? will i ever make you feel the way you do i? because right now i’m scared that this whole childish little game, isn’t so childish, and is very close to it’s end.